Painting Portraits of Everyone i’ve Ever Dated

Author: Joseph Earp 

Genre: General Fiction 

Publisher: Pantera Press 

Year of release: 2025

Release date: 29 /04/25

Rating 🌟🌟🌟🌟

Synopsis

A wry, tender and funny debut novel about art and love – and how the act of seeing lies at the heart of both.

All Ellie Robertson has wanted to be since childhood is a painter: after all, that’s the easiest way to speak without actually having to say anything. But now she’s turning thirty, has had a major career win, and is only just realising that she might have let some minor things slide. Like, for instance, working out how to love another human being.

So Ellie decides to do what any normal person would do: paint a portrait of each of her exes, from the childhood crush to the woman she may or may not still be madly in love with. The only problem is that she now needs to get in touch with everyone she’s dated, and not everyone is exactly happy to talk to her.

Hilarious and bittersweet, Painting Portraits of Everyone I’ve Ever Dated is a story of a young woman who decides to finally try and see other people – even if she runs the risk of (god forbid) finally seeing herself.

Review

Ellie Robertson has always known she wanted to be a painter—it’s her way of speaking without words. With her 30th birthday approaching and a career milestone that excites everyone but her, Ellie suddenly realises she’s let life’s important moments slip by, especially when it comes to love.

Determined to change that, Ellie decides to paint a portrait of each of her exes—from her childhood crush to the woman she may or may not be madly in love with. To do this, she must reconnect with them, risking awkward encounters and the chance that not all will welcome her back into their lives. In the process, Ellie might not only see them differently but also discover truths about herself.

Any book that promises laughter loud enough to brighten the early weeks of winter—and knows how to appreciate the vibrant warmth of the colour orange—has my wholehearted vote! If you’re looking for a story that lifts your spirits and paints life in vivid hues, this is the one you don’t want to miss.

Ellie Robertson is a protagonist I could both relate to and find slightly obnoxious at times. She is laugh-out-loud funny, brutally honest, relatable, and genuinely believable. To me, she feels like she could be your next-door neighbour or a friend of a friend. Despite being flighty and chaotic, the author has done a brilliant job placing Ellie in realistic scenarios and settings, carefully avoiding the stereotypical art-scene tropes of wealth and power. This grounded approach made it easy for me to connect with her quickly, especially in the first half of the book, and encouraged me to stick with her story through the second half.

When it comes to the minor characters, I found myself forming quite a strong connection with Rebecca, Dave, and Roberto. This trio brought a sense of calm to Ellie’s chaos and flighty moods. They even made me laugh, rather than just existing to highlight Ellie—as is often the case with minor characters, in my opinion. Dave especially gets my award for fictional father of 2025. Painting Portraits of Everyone I’ve Ever Dated reminds me why I keep returning to character-driven novels time and time again.

Having finished the book, I felt that a few plot details introduced later weren’t clearly explained when brought into the story, nor sufficiently resolved by the end to leave me completely satisfied. I also noticed a few plot holes, which I won’t spoil for you. For these reasons, I’m giving it four stars.

“All relationships come down to the question of which person wants it more,” Ellie said. “No two people ever want it the same—that’s fine. You can make the inequality work. You just have to be aware that there is an inequality.”
— Joseph Earp, Painting Portraits of Everyone I’ve Ever Dated

 Painting Portraits of Everyone I’ve Ever Dated felt like a fast-paced read for me. In the first half, I flew through the pages with ease, but the second half occasionally slowed down, especially during Ellie’s fluctuating moods and shifting expectations. Interestingly, the scenes where Ellie spent time with others often felt as if someone had hit the fast-forward button, creating a noticeable contrast in pacing.

Art hasn’t played a big part in my life—paintings have often felt messy or like something done by someone else to be appreciated from afar. So, reading a book that celebrates the craft without alienating the reader was a welcome surprise. I also appreciated the adult relationship Ellie had with her parents. Often in novels, there’s family tension or a disapproving parent, but here the characters were supportive, able to have meaningful conversations and celebrate achievements rather than hold grudges. That stood out to me as a reader.

I went into this book with no prior knowledge or expectations, and I think that really added to my enjoyment. I can’t remember the last time a book made me feel such pure joy while reading. Painting Portraits of Everyone I’ve Ever Datedis truly a celebration of life, love, friendship, family, and self-discovery.

The ending was a little more abrupt than I’m used to, but I do think it suited Painting Portraits of Everyone I’ve Ever Dated rather well.

Subplots and tropes included in Painting Portraits of Everyone I’ve Ever Dated:

• Bisexual/same-sex relationships
• Coming of age (30)
• Daughter/father relationship
• Family drama
• Female friendship
• Growth
• Heartbreak
• Healing
• Male/female friendship
• Mother/daughter relationship
• Relationship breakdown
• Self-discovery
• Soon-to-be parents
• Grief
• Character-driven

I highly recommend this book to a mature audience. If you are a fan of character-driven stories, this one is for you. Readers of authors Elif Shafak and Shelley Burr should consider adding Joseph Earp’s Painting Portraits of Everyone I’ve Ever Dated to their bookshelf.

With continued thanks to author Joseph Earp and Pantera Press for sending a physical copy of the book to read and review in exchange for my honest opinion.